Finding Joy in the Journey

Fall Makes Me Happy

2011-10-17T09:41:00.000-07:00

I LOVE FALL...

It makes me HAPPY..

Oh yeah.... I ran another Marathon...

It was frustrating this year.. I love this picture.. It shows me crying... and my biggest supporters trying to encourage Yep... This is THE one and Only Team Tana.... and I wouldn't trade them for anyone in the world.

HAPPY FALL

2011-09-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

I think happiness is what makes you pretty. Period. Happy people are beautiful. They become like a mirror and they reflect that happiness.

Drew Barrymore

Life Lately.....

2011-08-08T12:00:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick update via pictures of my summer thus far....

4th of July with the sisters

Spent a few days in Cali with this handsome man

Went to Powell with the Fam and some friends.. Heaven

Ran the Bryce Canyon Half Marathon with my beautiful Sister

Went to the Tim McGraw Concert with some friends... and

TIM touched my HAND!!!!

2011-07-20T11:20:00.000-07:00

you don't love a person for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.

oscar wilde

2011-06-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

"It is of greater importance to love the one we find, then finding the one to love" -Spencer W. Kimball

2011-05-18T00:21:00.000-07:00

“love never claims, it ever gives. love ever suffers, never resents never revenges itself.”
--Mahatma Ghandi

what i would give..

2011-04-20T23:58:00.000-07:00

as a little girl i had so many fantasies of my prince charming.

i would love to be back in that place... even just for a day.. a place so trusting.. so hopeful...so exciting...

a place without doubts.. without fear... without heartache.. A place that knew none of these challenges existed...

a place everyone deserves to be even for just a moment.. whether it be as a little girl daydreaming.. or as a grown woman wrapped in the arms of the man whom you dreamed about for so long....

what i would give..

A Breath of Fresh Air...

2011-04-03T17:07:00.000-07:00

"Desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. In addition, it is our actions and desires that cause us to become something!" --Dallin H. Oaks I'm taking much needed deep breaths of this fresh new air....

It's refreshing...

I'm loving it.

I'm overwhelmed with a feeling of hope.

I'm embracing and accepting new people in my life... I'm happy and content with putting my faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me.

I'm amazed at how much difference changing your scenery can benefit your attitude about life... (I spent amazing time with my family this weekend, and enjoyed a session of conference together, as well as listening to the rest. What a great experience! I'm SO thankful I am stuck with all of these people for an eternity! I wouldn't want any less!)

One Year.... Another Huge Change

2011-03-14T10:42:00.000-07:00

"all changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another"--anatole frances

Seems to be a constant, this thing we call change.... I do realize life is ever changing...But it seems to hit just when we have finally become comfortable with life for the moment.....As apprehensive as I am about these changes... I have become equally content with them. I am embarking on yet another life altering change....I'm excited!

I'm sad about what and who I will be leaving behind, and the life I dreamed of having here. But excited to meet and encounter all the things that are ahead of me!

It was a year ago today that K packed his stuff in his truck and moved out of my life, not for the two weeks as discussed, but instead forever... It was a year ago today that I had a knot in my stomach the size of Texas. I had no idea the small argument that day would lead to this last year in my life. But yet here we are! I now am the one packing my stuff and leaving this life behind...

I will only spend a moment today remembering the sadness of this day..... The rest of this beautiful day will be dedicated to finding joy in the future, remembering the relationships I have made here that will not end now, but will last a lifetime, joy in this new journey, a reflection on the many events that have shaped who I am now, and the many new experiences, loves, and new people I will soon encounter! Happy Monday! Happy Changing!

Oh the Leaps That Have Been Made

2011-02-28T14:26:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time my life changed so drastically....... The life I planned on having and wanted so bad, and would have done anything to repair was taken away from me by someone else's choices, feelings, and free agency.

Then I was sad, my heart was completely broken, and I experienced more pain then I had ever experienced up to this time in my 27 years of life.

I was driving home from work the other night to a empty house, and for some reason the memories of this time, the hurt I felt, the crying, the feeling of not being able to get myself out of bed, and the emptiness I felt in my heart from this marriage ending hit me like a ton of bricks.....

Then I cried... But not tears of sadness but rather tears of gratitude as I realized how far I have come, and how I'm so, so thankful to not be in that place again. I am amazed that I have made it to where I am now, even though to others it may not seem like much progress has been made..... Believe me... It has! I am amazed daily I was able to pull myself off the floor. And for that.... I am grateful.

Grateful to myself for trying to move forward daily, grateful to my Heavenly Father for helping me move forward when I couldn't do it myself, grateful to my family, for EVERYTHING they have done, and grateful for friends. You all have helped lighten the load through this time, and for this, I will always feel in your debts.

To the many more leaps to come.....

The Women in Our Lives

2011-02-19T21:38:00.000-08:00

Happiness Through the Hard Times

2011-02-08T19:58:00.000-08:00

(I got this idea from another blog and thought it would be good for me to do at least once a week)

Ten Things that make Tana happy.......

1. The warmth of the sun on my skin
2. Laughing so hard my stomach muscles hurt
3. Tandem bicycles on the beach
4. Giving someone I love a gift and seeing the excitement on their face
5. Kisses on the forehead
6. The smell of brand new books
7. The amazing feeling I get when I look up at all the millions and millions of stars on a summer night at Lake Powell
8. Pictures of people in love
9. Driving around on a beautiful day with the windows down and the sunroof opened
10. Hugs... Hugs that feel so good you just squeeze tighter and never want to let go

A Glimpse

2011-01-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

What would a glimpse in the divorce experience be like? I'll be the first to admit that before I was smack dab in the middle/end of a divorce I always wondered what all the whining was about... Quite plainly it is about the hole that has been ripped in your heart. It is about the emptiness, the sadness, and loneliness.

It is the constant replay of events, and conversations that happened the last year. It's almost as if the repeat button is STUCK and I keep going over, and over the same exact things.

Thoughts of things I could have done differently to have been a better wife, and better partner. And being so EXHAUSTED just from sadness... just from the hurt my heart is feeling.

A prayer uttered every night before bed pleading for help to stop these thoughts so that I can get a small amount of sleep.

A dream that constantly replays and I continually find myself waking up crying some short time after I have fallen asleep.

A realization that the dream I have been having is just a replay of events that have actually happened this last year. The stabbing pain I feel when I realize that the nightmare that I woke up from is actually the reality of my life.....

It is prayers... Praying every morning, ever hour, that today will be a little easier than yesterday. And EVERYDAY I can feel the Lord's help and guidance, and on hard days actually feel Him carrying me through the day.

"sometimes we can't avoid the pain.
maybe you didn't create it. maybe you can't get out of it. maybe it's just there...
but pain is like that little stinger of an ice cube..... eventually, it will melt.

and you really have two options; you can squirm and squeal and curse that icy burning in your palm, or you can be still.
you can breathe, pray, and allow it to be there.. instead, focusing on the heat of your body and the strength within you to melt that cube."
--Natalie Hill

Might Make You Stop and Think When Life Throws You a Curve Ball...

2011-01-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

"As much as you may not like it, people are watching you right now. Just like a highway accident causes traffic delays in the opposite direction, the world is also filled with emotional 'rubberneckers'...people who slow to watch other people's lives. Perhaps part of it is curiosity, part of it is fear. 'What if this happened to me?' 'What would I do?' 'I wonder what she did to deserve this?'

People are watching to see how you handle this...what you do, how you act, the choices you make. They are talking about you behind your back, placing bets on how you will fare. I don't say this to upset you; I say this to illustrate the scope of the opportunity at hand. Use this attention to be a light for Christ.

Heal properly. Continue to love...Take the high road. Take your time.Then, later, when someone asks you, 'how on earth did you do it?' you will be able to respond with enlightenment--giving credit where credit is due."

--Happily Ever After, pg. 33

** I think this is great in regards to any trial not only divorce**

The Year 2010 in Reflection

2011-01-07T23:10:00.001-08:00

Wow! 2010 is FINALLY Over! For the most part this year has been full of a lot of tears, a lot of sadness, a lot of faith, a lot of hope, and growth. As excited as I am that 2010 is over, and as sad as it may have been, there were also moments of happiness, moments of gratitude, moments of blessings, and moments of love. I'm sure I have said my fair share of words this past year, and I thank you all for reading, I thank you for your support, your kindness, your empathy, but most of all your love. Here is a year in reflection in pictures of the great things that happened in the year 2010! And here's to the many WONDERFUL things awaiting me, and you in the year 2011!

In January I ran a 1/2 marathon with my Beautiful sisters.

Went to the Paramore concert with my awesome sisters

Spent a week in Lake Powell (a.k.a Paradise) with my crazy fam

Spent a few days in California with Emily

Bought a puppy, named him "Tuff" partly in definition of my life at the moment.

Turned 27.... made a little easier by a Chelsea J. who had 27 cupcakes delivered to me by 27 different friends.

Ran a marathon! Supported by So many friends and family! Thank you all

Went to Philly for a work conference..Attended game 1 of playoffs, and witnessed the "no-hitter"

Made it through Thanksgiving alone, but not single, with these wonderful people, and the rest of my fam!

Ran my first 5k in years in California with my little sister in December

Spent a week on Maui with some friends in December

Honored my Grandma Sara and her beautiful life in Idaho Falls.... Brrrrsss

A Whole New 2011

2011-01-04T18:49:00.000-08:00

"Your future is not determined by the conditions around you. It is determined by your faith, your choices, and your efforts."

Johnson

The End......Officially....

2010-12-28T09:56:00.000-08:00

"Don't cry because its over. Smile because it happened..."

-Dr. Seuss

Grandma Sara

2010-12-25T10:50:00.000-08:00

We will remember your beauty..... We will remember your smile, your laugh, your cooking. Especially your famous blonde fudge, German pancakes, Lip rolls, and homeade egg nog.....

I will remember you helping me learn how to cross stitch, and teaching me to play the piano, and sending me cards on my birthday.

We will remember the way the music sounded as you played the piano..... I will remember my favorite song to hear you play, "The Music Box"

We will remember your example, your testimony, and your strength.

We will remember one of the best Grandma, Great Grandma, Mother, Daughter, and Friend

But most of all...... Your Legacy

We love you Grandma Sara

2010-12-21T05:55:00.000-08:00

People think a soul mate is your perfect match, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.
--Unknown

2010-12-12T13:36:00.000-08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS

Wishing you love and happiness

Tuff and Tan

Not Nearly Long Enough....

2010-12-02T13:32:00.000-08:00

Not long ago I was up to my eyeballs in patient's needing to be scanned one Saturday. I can remember it being a tiring, overwhelming, crazy day..... But as I went home that night I couldn't help but recount a conversation I had with a beautiful patient I had met that day.

I had the pleasure of meeting this patient in a very sick and probably not the greatest moment in her life. I could barely hear her answers to my questions and couldn't help but hope that the procedure we were going to do would give her a little solace from the battle she was fighting. She had been fighting a very long battle of ovarian cancer, and from what I gathered from the doctor she was close to the end of this battle. She came to us to have some fluid drained that had built up in her chest cavity, in the hopes that we could help her breath a little bit better, and give her a little relief. This procedure takes a few minutes while the fluid is draining. Because of this, this beautiful patient and I had a moment to chat.

There she was, unable to hold herself up because she was so weak, and I hear her whisper, "Talk to me." So I begin.... I tell her all about my family, my brothers and sisters, where I am from, how long I have been in ST. George, and I go on and on. I then started asking her questions... How long she had been in Saint George, where she was from, how many kids, how many grandkids, and where they all lived. When I first picked her up from the emergency room there was a man in her room with her. So I asked her, "Was that your husband with you in your room?" "Yes she replies." I could almost feel the adoration in her voice. So I ask one of my favorite questions to ask lately, "How long have you two been married?" She replied with an answer of 60+ years. I cannot remember the exact number, but I remember an overwhelming feeling of respect for her and this man. I replied with, "Oh my! That is so awesome!" To which she replied, "It's not been nearly long enough..." I can remember feeling my breath catch in my throat, and not knowing what to say..... so I said nothing. What a beautiful statement. What a beautiful woman, what a beautiful couple.

I read this statement somewhere the other day, "The point of marriage, I think, is to create meaning, with every happy and sad memory, every hardship overcome, every kind act, every moment of acceptance, every triumph, every child, grandchild, pet, and friend you accumulate together. The point of staying married, is to have a witness to your whole life, to the meaning you built. In the end, you can look at your spouse and say: Somebody knew me-- and I knew them."

What Matters Most

2010-11-24T12:27:00.000-08:00

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop"
-Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I know I have mentioned this quote before, but it's just SO good. I decided I needed to make one more thankful shout out, before this blessed holiday event arrives. So here is where I want to start.....

*DISCLAIMER* This gets DEEP**

I'm thankful for trials. I'm thankful for all I have been through, all I have learned, and all the progress that has been made, and is continually being made. Sometimes in life we are affected greatest by the choices other people make. Other's free agency. More often times than not, those people making the choices are people we love and care about most. As hard as this is for me to say..... I am thankful for K. The choice he made deeply affected, and somewhat ended our eternal family unit. I'm thankful he put me in a position where I was able to grow so much and learn so much. Without his decision to end our marriage, maybe the growth I have made wouldn't have happened. So much has been learned about unconditional love, forgiveness, and faith. I wouldn't have realized how much strength it takes to fight for someone who has given up on you and your relationship, someone you love deeply. Who knows if I would have realized how important it is to fight for the most important things in life. The things that matter most and should take priority above all else. Marriage, family, and the gospel. The only things that will matter once this short life is over. These things should be our most valued and sought after goals, and then once attained they should become the most important things to maintain.

But most of all I am thankful for the gospel. I am so thankful to know I have a Heavenly Father who knows me. Who hears me, who comforts me, feels my pain, and experiences my joys. I'm so thankful for my renewed faith in Heavenly Father's plan for me. I'm thankful for the Holy Ghost. For the soft whisperings of guidance I receive, and the feelings of peace in my darkest hours. I'm beyond grateful for the atonement. That Jesus Christ suffered for my sins, and also for my pain. It is so comforting to know that He took some of this pain away from me when he suffered in Gethsemane, so that I would be able to handle this moment in my life, that it would hurt just a little less. I'm so thankful for the atonement's role in forgiveness. I'm thankful I have been able to forgive K for all the pain he has caused me, and all the pain that will continue to be caused by his decisions. I am so thankful that, by using the atonement, I feel at peace with K. That I have forgiven him for all I know, and all the things I don't know, and will never understand. No other thing in this life means more to me then my membership and testimony of this Gospel. I am thankful to know that I am a beautiful Child of God.

I have SO much to be thankful for! Much of which are material possessions, for example, a wonderful job, a cute little home, a car, food, and clothes.... But if all of this was to be abruptly taken away, I would still be SO happy! I would be left with those things that matter most! My testimony, and my wonderful loving family!

Happy Turkey Day to ALL!! Much love!

Today isn't Perfect...

2010-11-22T10:49:00.000-08:00

Today isn't perfect, but tomorrow is going to be better. Last week was hard, but this week will be easier. Today I am grateful for this post: Kindness

My Thanks

2010-11-17T10:18:00.000-08:00

Well..... We are approximately one week from Thanksgiving. I haven't jumped on the bandwagon of giving my "thankful" shout outs. So what better time to start then one week before. This gives me seven days to sum up my most important thanks! Truth is... I've been a little apprehensive about the coming holidays. For some reason the thought of the holidays alone just compounds my sadness of my life's change...

Today I am thankful for wonderful, loving, supportive parents. I am daily reminded of how much they do for me. I am so grateful I was chosen to come to their family. What amazing examples they are to me. There is almost no other role in life that requires so much sacrifice from an individual, as does the role of a parent. I watch my Dad sacrifice all of his personal desires for the desires of his family and his wife. My mom has dedicated her life to sacrifice for her children.

I'm so thankful for a Dad who loves me, adores me, and is willing to lend advice and encouragement at the perfect time. I'm so so thankful for the special bond and relationship he and I share. I am thankful to have a father who honors his priesthood and exercises it for his families needs. I'm so thankful for the wonderful example of a trustworthy, honest, hardworking, loving, respectful man he is for me. It is the only glimmer of hope I see in the male species. Ok... So that may be a stretch. But I have watched, although sometimes naively at times, my parents make it through so many struggles as a couple, as a family, as individuals. I've watched as they both have loved unconditionally and stood by each other. They are and always will be a great example to me of a married couple.

I'm so grateful for my mom and the many sacrifices she has made for her family. I'm thankful for the wonderful example of a strong woman she has been for me. I'm thankful for the time she spent to teach us the gospel, to help us read, to help with homework. I'm thankful for her love. Her time, her knowledge. She has been a wonderful example to me of a mother, a wife, and most of all a friend. I'm so thankful for her support. I'm thankful for a mother who is willing to defend her children, regardless of how it may reflect on her as an individual.

I'm thankful for parents who will lead their children and not be afraid to tell them, when decisions their children are making are not the best. Parent's who, regardless of who's right and who's wrong are willing to point out correct decisions based on gospel principles. Parents who take on the role of parents. To lead and help direct their children in the correct path, no matter their age. Parents who will not make the decisions for their children, but will voice concerns and encouragement in difficult life decisions.

I may be biased but I have two of the most amazing individuals for parents! :)

Tic, Toc, Tic, Toc

2010-11-09T15:49:00.000-08:00

For the past 9 months or so, every day that past, every week that past, and every new month that came, it created ample amounts of anxiety. Every new month that came and went meant that, that was one more month that Kyle and I had been separated. One more month that had past with me trying, unsuccessfully, to get him to commit to being married again, and one more month further away from that goal. The goal to save this eternal marriage. Every time the end of the month was coming I would have serious renewed pain for the battle I was losing. Or looking back now, I think I lost it way before. But I was faithful, I was hopeful, I was consistently trying....... Even now after the divorce papers have been filed and the 90 days have been slowly dwindling away, I still found myself experiencing a small amount of anxiety. Maybe it was fear of the inevitable. Fear that the divorce was imminent. That once those 90 days were gone, and I was declared legally single and in the church's eyes as well, I would have to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, my broken life and move along.

The last week or so, or maybe it's just been days, I have had an overwhelming feeling of peace. Peace that I will pick up these pieces and make a wonderful life for myself. A life I deserve and have always deserved having. I am so excited for this next chapter. I'm going to heal, I'm going to live, I'm going to be happy and joyful. I cannot be fearful or timid about what lies ahead. So I am counting down the days til this divorce is final. Not because it won't be sad, certainly not because I won't miss all that this marriage was supposed to be, not because I don't understand and feel the very seriousness of the covenants that have been broken, but because it's time. I have been faithful, I have been hopeful, I have been learning, and growing, and obedient, this outcome was out of my hands a long, long time ago. So therefore..... I'm ready.

~What's Love Got to Do With it?~

2010-11-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

What is it that prompts us as humans to search for the security of being loved by someone? Why is it that every individual no matter their race, religion, or sex, is on a never ending search for the fulfillment of being loved, and also to love other's themselves? Why is this certain feeling the source of so many emotional, physical, and mental problems, but also can be the cure to so many of the same issues? A simple thing, but yet it is it? The feeling of being loved and nurtured is a key ingredient to a newborn infant progressing and thriving. If we think of it in those terms.... if it is essential in our development as humans from the moment we are born, or maybe even conceived, it has to be a continual quest. To be loved and to love is one of our main purposes here on this earth.

Unfortunately, often times than not, love becomes something we just simply say rather than do. It is so easy to tell each other that we LOVE, but as the popular quote states, love is a verb, which therefore requires action. From past experiences I know that love is such a hard thing to COMPLETELY give to someone, and continually give and do things to make that individual feel loved. It is such an act of trust in that individual. That they will accept your love and also return the love. Plus I think every individual has a different expectation of what love is, and if it is not met they claim they don't feel loved. But is it really not loving completely, or rather the different stages love progresses through? I do know and understand that there are many different stages of love, and also many different kinds of love.

The love I long for and the love I want to give someone, is giving your whole self to another individual, and holding nothing back. Love is giving your weaknesses along with your strengths. Love is admitting that you aren't perfect, that life happens, but that you are continually striving daily to be better than you were yesterday. Love is TRUST. Love is a commitment to continually forgive. Love is being perceptive to the feelings of another individual. It is noticing when that person is down and a constant effort and a commitment to help lighten that load for the individual. Love is striving to be better and make your partner want to be better. Love is helping each other realize their potential when they may be falling short. Love is communication. Love is admitting you are wrong. Love endures, love doesn't fade with trials, but rather is strengthened. Love is putting thoughts of yourself aside and putting thoughts of the relationship as well as the other person above all else. Love is patient, love is hopeful, but more so, love is faithful. Love is happy, love is fun, love is CONSTANT work.

Ezra Taft Benson said, ""What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion. Surely when you love your wife with all your heart, you cannot demean her, criticize her, find fault with her, or abuse her by words, sullen behavior, or actions.

"What does it mean to 'cleave unto her'? It means to stay close to her, to be loyal and faithful to her, to communicate with her, and to express your love for her. "Love means being sensitive to her feelings and needs. She wants to be noticed and treasured. She wants to be told that you view her as lovely and attractive and important to you. Love means putting her welfare and self-esteem as a high priority in your life."

One last quote I found interesting was, "Love does not begin and end the way we seem to think it does. Love is a battle, love is a war; love is a growing up." --James A. Baldwin

2010-11-01T20:06:00.001-07:00

FYI: I will not make the 30 days.... I barely made it three. Sorry. But here is an awesome poem I heard at a fireside.

The Faith of a Child
The father, a well digger, strong was he
And as loving and kind as a father could be

And Mary his daughter, five years old.
Was very much dearer than millions of gold.

To Mary her father was big, grand and nice,
So each had a treasure, beyond any price

One day to the well, little Mary was sent
To take daddy’s lunch, how gladly she went.

But when she looked down, not a thing could be seen.
The well, like a pocket, was dark as could be.

The father saw Mary and heard her voice too,
But made not a sound, just to see what she’d do.

She dropped to her knees, the dear little soul,
And called down, “Oh, Daddy, are you down this hole?”

“Why yes Mary darling, I’m here at your feet.
Just drop my lunch for I’m ready to eat.

Just let it go easy, I’ll catch it all right
She did and she saw it fall out of sight.

Why Mary,” said father, “There’s enough here for two,
Now this is the thing I would like you to do.

You jump down here to me and we’ll eat it together.
Down here in the cool and away from the weather.”

“Oh daddy, I’m afraid, I can’t see you at all.
Be sure now you catch me and don’t let me fall.”

‘Twas just for a moment she wavered in doubt.
Then closing her dear little eyes she jumped out.

In the darkness, yes, that was the test.
She trusted in faith in her father’s request.

And both were so happy he kissed her and smiled
Because of the sweet trusting faith of his child.

“Oh sweet little Mary, you put me to shame.
How often my Father has called me the same

But because it was dark I turned back in doubt.
Refusing the call, though his arms were stretched out.”

Meaning Behind my Blog Title

2010-10-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

Over the last few months this blog has become a journal of sort. A place where I have come to write some of my saddest thoughts, some of my faithful thoughts, and some of my joys. Before Kyle and I separated I was having a hard time seeing any joy in this journey of life or the journey with Kyle. I was overwhelmed, I was weighted down, and I couldn't see the end. Through this emotionally trying time I have learned and been able to see so many areas where I could improve myself. One of them was being able to find joy in the journey, no matter how hard the road may be. So that is where this title came from. It is a constant reminder to me, whatever my plight may be, I have to look for the good. I HAVE TO!

I understand from comments people have made that there is a variation of feelings from people when they come away from reading some of my posts. Some claim depressing, some claim uplifting, some even say inspiring. I hope through all the posts, those of you who happen to read, have empathized with my pain and anguish, but also come away seeing that I am being strengthened, that I am growing, but most of all the I have turned toward my faith and the atonement to deal with the pain I have felt by the decision Kyle made, and make myself a better person. Plus all that I have said, all that I have written is truthful. They are the realities of my thoughts, and my feelings. I went to a fireside recently where the speaker pointed out that we are always looking ahead. For example, "I will he happy when I finish school." or "I will be happy when I get married." He remarked that we need to be happy with the present. Find joy in the present no matter what circumstances we may be in. Plus we hold the keys to our happiness. We are promised that if we are obedient all of our hearts desires will be met! So obedient, faithful and joyful is what I will strive for!

30 Days

2010-10-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

I am stealing this from my friend Tara. I am at work, bored, and I have had a hard time figuring out what direction this blog should take from this point. I am still healing, but find myself repeating my thoughts... Probably because I'm constantly thinking those thoughts. So this little adventure will help me break up the monotony.

I have an overactive right armpit. Meaning... when I get worked up or stressed or embarrassed, or I get excited telling a story, my right armpit reacts by perspiring. And usually it's not only a little perspiration but rather, A LOT. And this all happens while my left armpit remains unaffected.
I have so many insecurities that have happened through this divorce business. No one ever warns that a divorce is the highway to insecurity. I am working with professionals to help me through this. Ok, that part may be a joke. But every day I have to tell myself to stop thinking about comments, or things that have happened. Rest assured... I'm making a lot of progress
I really do LOVE my job. I love serving others, and I find it so fulfilling to help people. This holds true whether I am being paid or not.
I haven't ever been in a place in life where I have wanted kids.... Until now! When I am as far from that possibility as I can get. Every day I see babies.... lots and lots of babies. Babies in their mama's tummies, babies outside there mama's tummies, and I get a little sad. I feel like my poor ovaries are shriveling without my control as my biological clock tic toc's. I guess more so it's the fear that this may never be a possibility again, or maybe it never was. Dang it! I should have taken the opportunity while I had the chance... Although, I would still be cooking that alleged baby, and cooking alone doesn't sound fun at all!
I love spending time and creating memories with my family. I'm not sure how all six kids have made it to a somewhat "mature" level and still get a long with one another. I'm sure my parents thought they would never see the day.
I love taking the puppy for walks. I don't know if many of you have noticed, but it isn't the norm to take to the streets as a pedestrian around here(Utah). Most people see a fellow ped and wonder why they are walking? I'm guilty of this as well. The puppy has given me an excuse and a reason to trek it on the sidewalk. And this is such a beautiful time of year in Southern Utah.
Fall is hands down one of my favorite seasons! I love everything about it. Orange and brown colors, pumpkin flavors, pumpkin smells, leaves, ghost and goblins, HALLOWEEN!
I am terrified of being single again. Rumor has it, it will happen soon. Earliest moment will be November 10th.... I'm not ready, nor am I handling it well. Who wants to go back to dating? It wasn't fun even before the divorce, let alone now at 27! Think about all the awkwardness? NO THANK YOU! In the last 6-7 months I have become somewhat "comfortable" with being alone. Why should I change it up now? :)
I love the color Teal!
I was present during the no-hitter Phillies game. Which is a pretty big deal, even if they aren't playing in the World Series.
I love to run and be active
I have a fake eardrum... Due to a complication with tubes in my youth.
I'm terrified of this statistic.. "50% of all marriages end in divorce(yep I'm a member of this group) and 75% of all second marriages end in divorce!" YUCK YUCK YUCK! My parents have made it through 30 years, six kids, and multiple, I'm sure monumental problems.... I'll keep thinking about this instead!
I hate that texting was ever invented. I can remember talking for hours on my cell phone! I want to go back to those days, even if it cost my parents hundreds of dollars in overuse fees! Charge me! I'll pay!
I love to shake my booty!(a.k.a dance) When I'm alone, when I'm in the presence of close friends, in the the grocery store, on the treadmill, in a parking lot! Heck I don't care where. As long as I have enough room to shake this tank, I definitely will do so!

day 1- recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourselfday
2- the meaning behind your blog nameday
3- a picture of you and your friendsday
4- a habit that you wish you didn’t haveday
5- a picture of somewhere you've been today
6- favorite super hero and whyday
7- a picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on youday
8- short term goals for this month and whyday
9- something you're proud of in the past few daysday
10- songs you listen to when you are happy, sad, bored, hyped, madday
11- another picture of you and your friendsday
12- how you found out about blogger and why you have oneday
13- a letter to someone who has hurt you recentlyday
14- a picture of you and your familyday
15- put you ipod on shuffle: first 10 songs that playday
16- another picture of yourselfday
17- someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and whyday
18- plans/dreams/goals you haveday
19- nicknames you have and why you have themday
20- someone you see yourself marrying or being with in the futureday
21- a picture of something that makes you happyday
22- what makes you different from everyone elseday
23- something you crave for a lotday
24- a letter to your parentsday
25- what I would find in your bagday
26- what do you think about your friendsday
27- why are you doing this 30 day challengeday
28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?day
29- in this past month, what have you learnedday
30- your favorite song

A Variation in Mourning Part 2

2010-10-21T13:33:00.001-07:00

Some of you may remember my post from awhile back entitled a Variation in Mourning... Even though this month has been SUPER wonderful, and I am calling it "Roctober" because it has totally rocked, I decided I wanted to write down a few thoughts today.

After a nice long talk with one of my long-time friends, who unfortunately has been in a situation similar to mine, I have had so many thoughts. Thoughts of hope, hope that someday I will be ok with this even though it wasn't what I ultimately wanted, or what I believe was in Heavenly Father's plan for me. And then also thoughts of sadness. I sat in my car and told her my fears that I may never be able to get over this, I may never be able to get over the love I feel for K, and the future I wanted to spend with him. These thoughts are the thoughts that bring me to my Variation in Mourning part 2.

I doubt getting a divorce is ever an easy thing, and sometimes things get a little depressing, feelings get hurt, things are said that someday we may regret. Conversations are avoided that someday we'll wish we would have had. Disrespect, arrogance and selfishness creep in, when in reality maybe we are just trying to mask the feelings of hurt we are experiencing. I believe that no matter what side of the spectrum you are on, whether you are the heartbroken side like me, who wants any other outcome other than divorce, or you are like K who feels at this time this is the best decision he can make, it HURTS. Regardless of how hard we try to pretend otherwise, someday, if not today, this will HURT, and I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

Daily I am bombarded with things or feelings that have been created throughout this divorce/separation process, and some days I feel myself focusing on all of this negativity. Then I sit back and think, "What was it that kept me fighting so hard the last 6 months?" Some days all I can think of is the disrespect, the rumors, the feelings of inadequacy, feeling like I'm an enemy rather than a partner or a friend, and feeling like I may have never really known this person. And through this negativity I am unable to see the good things. The wonderful memories he and I had and shared seem to be slowly slipping away. The love I know I felt for him, and the love I thought he felt for me are somewhat distant memories.

This is where I find myself again likening this whole process to mourning the loss of a loved one. You find yourself slowly forgetting the way they smelled. Forgetting the way you loved the way he looked in a certain pair of jeans. Forgetting that at one time you felt that when he would hug you, you could lose yourself in his embrace. Forgetting how much you loved his brown eyes, and forgetting that at one time you had hopes of having children with those same eyes. Forget feeling like he would protect you from anything no matter how independent you claimed to be. Forgetting what that first kiss felt like, and forgetting how your stomach flip flopped the first time the words "I love you" came out of his mouth. Forgetting what it feels like to be loved by him, and respected by him. You wonder if this same man was the man who rushed to your house to dance with you in the rain. Slowly forgetting how much laughing we did, how we danced crazy countless times on road trips in the car. Wondering if this is the man who claimed he would rather spend the worst of times with me then the best of times without me? I'm slowly forgetting the way I felt as I received my endowments and hugging him in the Celestial room knowing that this was the right decision. I'm forgetting how content I felt as I kneeled across the alter from him, and how I forgot there was anyone else in the room but that man who was looking into my eyes..... It's all starting to fade away. Memories that at one time were so vivid, so exciting, now seem like a dream rather than reality.

I have claimed more than once to try and remember the good things I experienced in this relationship. Sometimes I think it is easier to cope with the present circumstances if I focus on the negative, but it hasn't made me feel better. I think its best throughout trials to focus on the positive things. Even if that means trying to find the good in the people that are causing you the most pain and anguish. By doing so, the forgiving process has become so much easier. I continually ask for help in forgiving K for the decision he has made, and by doing so, I know I am in a much better place than I would be otherwise. I am continually trying daily to remember the good things, and working on forgiving all that has happened in the last 6 months and also things that happened during the marriage. I have asked multiple times for help in feeling at peace with this outcome I have been unable to control. I have been seeking peace that it is ok that this eternal marriage is over. But I realize now that Heavenly Father will never help me find peace in this, because it isn't Heavenly Father's will to end this eternal marriage. But rather, I will find the peace and comfort I am seeking by forgiving the circumstances. Forgiving K for making this decision, and forgiving myself. By doing so I am slowly finding that peace and comfort I have been wanting so badly. Daily I feel more confident that I am going to be able to move on and continue to be happy.

A Simple Post.... A Strong Statement

2010-10-16T16:03:00.000-07:00

True Love must include the idea of permanence. True love endures...
-Elder Holland

And I Made It!

2010-10-03T22:52:00.000-07:00

It was hard, it was hot, but it was such a great accomplishment. I'm ready for my next one! In 4hrs and 9min, I thought about a lot of things, and my 26 miles of healing. Hopefully it kicks in soon. It may take as long as it does for the soreness to fade out of my muscles. Or that's what I am banking on. I'm so thankful for my wonderful family and their support and willingness to drop things to be part of this day with me. I have so many wonderful friends that were there as well. Friends that know what this journey meant, and what an experience it was for me! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you! I have such an "Attitude of Gratitude"

Mishaelle made this very "fitting" sign, and along with the rest of my family cheered and cried with me! One amazing quote to end this short post,

"That which comes easily departs easily. That which comes of struggle remains."
— Gordon B. Hinckley

26.2 Miles on the Road to Healing...

2010-09-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

As some of you are aware.... I am going through a little bit of a "rough time"... Some of you may not be aware that somewhere at the beginning of this alleged "rough time" I committed to running the Saint George Marathon... Now complete awareness has set upon me, as to what I have in store for myself next Saturday...

Running has always been therapeutic for me. If I am angry.. I run... if I am sad... I run.... If I am happy... I run... If I'm frustrated... I run... So I thought it would be a great idea to sign up for the marathon and train my little heart out! Little did I know what an effect this "rough time" would have on me physically as well as emotionally. To be completely honest, I actually thought my story wouldn't have the ending it now does. When I signed up for the marathon I still had SO much faith that Kyle and I would work through this, that he would remember he loved me, and married me, that he would be cheering for me at the finish line, because that's the goal in a relationship, to be with eachother at finish lines throughout life right? But... My or should I say "our" story didn't end as I had hoped. As I have pointed out in previous posts I have been suffering from depression, actually I would really just like to call it sadness. The symptoms of this sadness among other things gave me a big dose of fatigue... oh and let's not forget lack of appetite... I have been emotionally drained, which in turn physically drained me... I have had many thoughts about maybe NOT running... But the more I talked to people, and the more encouragement I received, the more strength I then felt.. I decided.. BRING IT ON! So here I sit at my one week countdown to the 2010 Marathon.. I'm nervous, excited, anxious, even have a belly bumper as I type about this event!

Because of my recent "rough time" I have decided to dedicated every single mile of this marathon to my healing. Dedicate all of the miles to somehow getting myself back to the confident, fun, happy, loving, excited, woman I once was. Dedicate all of these 26.2 miles to the stronger woman I am becoming!

Mile 1: "I can do hard things" Mile 2: I have so many people who love and support me Mile3: I will quit blaming myself for the action or reactions of Kyle's.
Mile 4: "I will release the need to determine how things should be" Mile 5: I will continue to keep the covenants I made. Mile 6: I am StRoNg. Mile 7: I am beAutiful. Mile 8: I will not let this divorce, this heartbreak, define my life negatively. Mile 9: I will remember that, in spite of my insecurities, people look up to me, people are inspired by me! Mile 10: I will have faith in the future! Mile 11: If Kyle feels like crap... It's because HE did something CRAPPY! Mile 12: I am a GOOD person! Mile 13: Nothing I may have done wrong in my marriage JUSTIFIES the way Kyle has treated me! Mile 14: I will take all my aggression out on this mile for all the phones calls and text messages Kyle has ignored from me, and I will not waste anymore sadness on thoughts of how my "used-to-be" husband can just ignore me. That will end here at mile 14! Mile 15: I will forgive myself for failing at marriage! Mile 16: I will try to continually remember the good things that happened while Kyle and I were married, and the things I have learned from this experience. Mile 17: I will remember that I just took a slight detour this last year on my road to happiness. Mile 18: This divorce, this outcome, was not my intent. Mile 19: I am a lovable person. Mile 20: I will be thinking about relaxing after the race and listening to the counsel from Apostles and Prophets! I will find SO much healing in their words! Mile 21: The past is behind me... I WILL Learn from it. Mile 22: The future is ahead, I'm embracing it. Mile 23: I deserve so much more than I have been given this last year. Mile 24: I will eventually be able to trust someone is, who they claim to be, and I will be able to love again. Mile 25: My testimony will continue to grow! Mile 26.2: My pains, every tear that has been shed, my anguish, has all been felt, and has been made easier by the atonement and Jesus Christ. My Heavenly Father knows me and the desires of my heart. I am loved, I am blessed, I have SO much to be thankful for. I JUST RAN 26.2 Miles going through the worst moment of my life. I AM STRONG! I CAN DO HARD THINGS! (This is all under the impression that I finish :))

So on October 2 if you would all just send me your thoughts, for all of my miles and all my healing! MUCH LOVE!

A Bad Case of the Blues..

2010-09-10T08:44:00.000-07:00

WARNING!!! This post will not be inspirational, uplifting, or anything even close to those same lines. Bottom line is I'm sad.... I'm hurt.... My heart is broken.... I feel betrayed... And it seems as if the entire finality of this ordeal has hit me in the last week, these last days..... So I will mention the parts of this that are contributing the most to this sadness... Then I'll try again next week to find the positive side of things.....

K never once, from the beginning of this ordeal fought for me, fought for our marriage, or the sacred covenants we made with each other and with Heavenly Father. Why was I, his wife, not enough reason to fight? Why did he fight harder for the divorce then he did for saving the marriage? Why did he try harder to find reasons to tell me that our marriage couldn't work then he did to finding reasons why this COULD work?

Why am I questioning if this man ever really loved me? I don't want to believe he didn't, but????? How could someone that loved you just walk away from you so easily? If you loved someone how could you watch time and time again as she begged for you to help her work on your marriage, left many mascara stains on your shirt just begging you to try? How can that be love? How could you walk away from someone multiple times sobbing on the floor without ever once looking back? Did he ever truly, deeply love me? If it was love, how do you get over it so quickly? How do you go about your days acting as if nothing happened? Acting as if this woman, your wife, was never part of your life? How do you just leave her behind without wondering if she could make it on her own? How do you just jump back into the single life when in reality you aren't technically single? How do you make your "wife" feel like she is wrong to question the decisions you are making? Knowing that they are killing her, but yet never once apologizing for what these actions are doing to me? Was this love? Is there love still there? Or am I right to feel like this man may have never really loved me, never felt the connection to me as I did him?

If you really loved someone and wanted at one point to spend the rest of your life with them, how do you just throw in the towel 9 months later and being separated for a week? How does he not understand why people are questioning his decision and his actions? How did he refuse to talk to the Bishop with me, refuse to go to the temple with me, refuse to read many articles written by apostles on why you should do everything in your power to save your marriage. Refuse to understand why going against what the scriptures say, what the apostles say, what the Bishop says, what the Stake President says, would lead people to question his testimony of the Gospel? Why does he feel it is only my family and my family alone that feels this way?

But most of all.... It is the simple question, "Why was I not worth fighting for?" Herein lies majority of my sadness and pain. Why did he not want to be a better person, better husband, better best friend for me, when I was willing to give and do anything for him?

Something went wrong somewhere..... I'm sure some of that blame lies in me as well... But I have done everything to try and fix whatever mistakes I made, that created this, and nothing was enough, nothing was good enough. I offered everything I had; my money, my time, my prayers, my forgiveness, my willingness to look past certain things to save this marriage, my emotion, many tears, many times of having my heart completely broken, doing so without ever asking for any more in return than his love, and a commitment to work towards repairing the damage WE did to our relationship.

There is no happy ending here. There is no inspirational comment to end this post with. Because the reality of this situation is this harsh. The end lies in my answer to him suing me for divorce. The end lies in the last words I had with him, about how I would always love him, that he was a great man when he wanted to be, that I hope he figures out what he wants in this life, that he will find the happiness he is searching for without me, and apologizing for the mistakes I made in this last year. All I got in return was, "I wish you the best." This is all we have to say at the end of this eternal marriage? And then one simple text from him asking me to delete his number? Why do I feel like he is angry with me? Is he angry because I have been fighting so hard to save this marriage. That I made it difficult for him to divorce me because I was fighting so hard to make him see any reason to save this marriage? If that's the case I'll take the anger. Something like a marriage is worth fighting for, covenants made are worth fighting for and keeping, LOVE is worth fighting for.

There Must be a Rainbow in the Future.....

2010-09-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

I keep waking up every day thinking... It has to get better... It can't possibly get worse.... And maybe, that is the very reason I am still being bombarded with things that drop me to my knees and make me wonder why? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? In one of my many conversations with my Dad, I distinctly remember saying, I have been tried enough, isn't it time for this storm to pass, for all of this to be over... He mentioned that is was these moments in his life, when he uttered a similar plea, that he realized you should never say something like this. It can always be worse, or continue, and in the end who are we to decide when our trials end or begin?

It took me a week to bring myself to take that small pink paper into the post office to redeem the end of my marriage. The same divorce papers that were mailed to me even though K and I live less than 5 miles from one another. I talked to a couple close friends who offered to come with me to the post office for support, but I declined thinking, "I can do this". As I sat there in the line waiting I had to fight off the urge to turn around and walk out. My stomach started churning and I couldn't help but think... I cannot believe this is happening to me, I cannot believe I am here picking up the papers that will end my marriage. The postmaster lady commented that I was only described as Tana.... No last name, just Tana..... She says, "So it's Tippetts?" after I show her my ID, "Yes, I say its Tippetts". I started signing my signature, last name Tippetts and all, and the tears came.... This poor postmaster lady probably thought I was such a pathetic mess. It took me another couple days to actually open the papers.... Thinking maybe if I didn't open them they would somehow just disappear? Finally I opened them. 4 simple pages are all that hold the end to my entire eternal marriage. Quite a humbling thought. In the last sentence of one of the first paragraphs they state, "Read these papers carefully, You are being sued for a divorce." Thank you, thank you for putting it out there so bluntly and cold. As if I didn't already understand the finality of these 4 pages. And then in one of the last paragraphs of the papers it states, "J. K. Tippetts prays for a divorce" Interesting statement. This is the same man who can look me in the eyes and tell me that divorce is the answer to his prayers. That the Lord is telling him to end his marriage after 9 months of trying. When a year or so ago he got an answer to his prayers that he was supposed to marry me, without any doubt. But now he is being inspired to end our eternal marriage? I'm so confused. So pray on I guess....

I was flipping through the September issue of the Ensign and low and behold there is an article, "Finding Hope after a Divorce" Imagine that. But at the end of the article it talks about the phrase "refiner's fire" I have heard this phrase so much through this whole process. I understood it to a certain extent but this article described it as, "The process of heating gold so that the impurities run off, leaving only that which is of lasting worth." It gave me so much hope. That through this process I can become more pure. That I can become a better person, and that I can become so much stronger.

At the beginning of this separation and this trial I understood that I was going through it to learn and grow and become a better person. I knew that I had faults and those were the things I needed to work on, not K's. That I needed to become more Christlike and be a better person and a better wife. But after being constantly told by K that there was nothing I could do for him to receive his love, or for him to try and work on our marriage. I kept wondering why? Why am I offering to do everything for him, and not asking for anything in return and he is unwilling? I am convinced that there isn't a certain plan as to exactly what trials we are asked to go through, but because we are human and we make mistakes or our spouses make mistakes, or things unexpectedly happen we are required to go through these trials. Trials become a test for us as individuals. They test our faith, they test our obedience, they test our entire being. My dad drew me a very simple picture on Sunday of this very thing. In the center is our trials, to the right is an arrow pointing towards Christ, and to the left there is an arrow pointing towards Satan. There are only two directions we can take to deal with trials. And the test lies therein as to which direction we will take. If we will put our faith in Christ and draw closer to him to be able to learn the things we are supposed to learn, to feel of His spirit, to listen to the promptings we are given, and to come out at the end of your trial "refined" and to have grown so much. And we all know there is always a rainbow at the end of every storm.... So I shall wait for my rainbow...

"Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me;.....and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Mathew 11:29-30

"Where art Thou?"

2010-08-19T23:22:00.001-07:00

As I was crying on the floor in the fetal position tonight... I found comfort had eluded me... I couldn't control the crying, nor could I control feeling that I was never going to be able to get myself off the floor, that the tears were not going to stop? My niece Ryann kept saying, "Why crying?" Why was I crying? Why was I so sad when I have been anticipating this moment for months? I don't understand how my life has gotten to this point? I don't understand why this is the outcome I am faced with, when I have been positive, and exercised so much faith in this situation? Why did I feel so alone as my sister in law hugged my sobbing body and my brother came in from the truck where he was banned, because Kyle wouldn't come in the house with him here??? Why did Kyle say he felt like he could breath again when he filed the divorce papers... yet that same decision knocked the breath right out of me? Why? And then tonight after I semi pulled it together I remembered one of my favorite talks entitled, Lessons From Liberty Jail.

Elder Holland stated, "Whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us."

When what has to be has been and when what lessons to be learned have been learned, it will be for us as it was for the Prophet Joseph. Just at the time he felt most alone and distant from heaven’s ear was the very time he received the wonderful ministration of the Spirit and wonderful, glorious answers that came from his Father in Heaven. Into this dismal dungeon and this depressing time, the voice of God came, saying:

“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8).

Even though seemingly unjust circumstances may be heaped upon us and even though unkind and unmerited things may be done to us—perhaps by those we consider enemies but also, in some cases, by those whom we thought were friends—nevertheless, through it all, God is with us.

Even though I find myself sliding into a complete bitter outlook on this situation... I cannot let it happen. I cannot be discouraged because I have done all the things the Lord has prompted me to do the last six months to save my marriage, and they didn't seem to make a dent in Kyle's attitude toward me or our marriage. I cannot become hard-hearted, and therefor unable to receive inspiration from my Heavenly Father in a time I need his comfort and guidance more than ever.

Elder Holland also states, "The Spirit has a near-impossible task to get through to a heart that is filled with hate or anger or vengeance or self-pity. Those are all antithetical to the Spirit of the Lord. On the other hand, the Spirit finds instant access to a heart striving to be charitable and forgiving, long-suffering and kind—principles of true discipleship. What a testimony that gospel principles are to apply at all times and in all situations and that if we strive to remain faithful, the triumph of a Christian life can never be vanquished, no matter how grim the circumstance might be. How I love the majesty of these elegant, celestial teachings taught, ironically, in such a despicable setting and time.

So I will "try" to cheerfully pick up these pieces of my shattered life, and hopes and dreams, and continue in faith. And know that through this trial my testimony has grown, my faith in my Heavenly Father's plan for me has doubled and I will put faith in the many wonderful, rewarding, and happy moments the Lord has in store for me.

"In this final canonized statement of the Liberty Jail experience, the Lord says to us through His prophet, Joseph Smith, “Therefore, dearly beloved brethren [and sisters, when we are in even the most troubling of times], let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed” (D&C 123:17; italics added)."

Tana

2010-08-10T12:22:00.000-07:00

"I'm grateful God allows tragedies and trials to occur in our lives-- not because they're easy, or because they're desired, but because they help us love."

"If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being."--James E. Faust

Faith.Hope.Depression.Anxiety.Failure.Forgiveness.Happiness.Growth

2010-08-06T13:31:00.001-07:00

Basically... The title of this blogs says it all. Isn't it odd that just a few random words combined with no purpose, or structure can describe my particular feelings of life right now. I am continually surprised by the many emotions I am experiencing. The majority of the feelings lie more on the side of the definition of depression.... Which my father kindly told me "he understood.... But it was time I pull it together and pull out of it." But through all the sadness and depression I can see a lot of good that is happening to my soul, to my mind, and most of all to my testimony.

Depression.... I never thought this would be a word that would ever describe me at any time. I have had a few trials and moments throughout my short life, but never any that have pulled the rug right out from under me and left me gasping for air..... So here I sit... In the middle of my depression wondering when I will find the strength to pull out of it. Too often I find myself awaking from a "semi-sleep"(since depression creates insomnia) and think to myself... I can't do it today... I can't get out of this bed... I can't! But somehow I roll myself out of the bed and make it through the day.. Then comes the uncontrollable crying.... I cry... I cry so much I make myself sick.... Not sure if its from swallowing too much air, or all the fluid that runs down the back of your throat which eventually ends up in your stomach.... Pretty messy huh? I ask one of my good friends on a weekly basis... When will it get better? When will it get easier? The best thing I have found is to take it one day at a time... Because thinking about anything longer than a day seems almost impossible.

Anxiety... Did you know its a real thing? Something you can be diagnosed with? A diagnosis I never never imagined would happen to me(I haven't been diagnosed.. just self-diagnosed). But daily I have at least one episode where I feel like there is an elephant sitting on my chest and I can't breath! Just recently I had a moment where I was having so much anxiety, so much depression and sadness. I called my mom and just sobbed... "Please just make it better!" I begged.... "Please just make it hurt less, just make it all go away!" I felt like a little girl all over again who fell down and scraped her knee. Unfortunately a bandaid and a kiss wasn't going to help me. Thinking about it now, in a semi-calmer state, obviously there is nothing anyone could do to fix it for me, well excluding my husband who could fix a lot of things for me.

Failure... This may be the hardest of all the words... Who wants to admit they failed? Who wants to take the responsibilities for their mistakes. Easily said... I failed at marriage... The worst part about divorce and separation is the harsh reality that it is never really one-sided. Well in most cases anyways... Some individuals may contribute more to the outcome than others... But there are always things we as individuals can do to be a better partner. The problem with failing.. is how long do you dwell on those failures? How long do you think about all the things you could have done differently, all the things you want to do differently, but your husband won't allow you to try? He won't allow you the opportunity to show him all you have realized? Everything you know you could do to be a better wife, a better partner, a better companion? Failing becomes and even harsher reality when it isn't a outcome, nor a word you have used often in your life???

Forgiveness.... I cannot describe the blanket of comfort this particular word provides me with... Because hind sight is always 20/20, I can see SO many things now I could have done to make my marriage better. I, unfortunately, got so overwhelmed with the feeling of mistrust and feeling like there were so many things Kyle could and should do for me, to make things easier on me, that I was unable to see the damage I personally was causing to our marriage. Through this whole process there have been so many moments when I have been overcome with the feeling that I caused this. That it was something I did that created this mess.... But as I said earlier, Kyle and I both played a part in this. At one particular moment when Kyle was still talking to me, and would come see me every once in awhile, I can remember just sobbing in his arms begging him to help me fix this, because it is impossible for me to do this on my own..... But even though Kyle is unable to forgive me, and unwilling to put forth some effort to fix this.... That doesn't mean I cannot forgive myself. Unfortunately I am probably incapable of providing an unbiased opinion of all the things that made Kyle lose hope and give up on our marriage, but I can forgive myself for the things I feel contributed. I forgive myself for being overwhelmed. I forgive myself for not being able to quickly forgive Kyle for the mistakes he made. I forgive myself for all the miscommunication that happened in our marriage. I forgive myself and Kyle for not communicating well with each other. I forgive my thoughts of complete despair for our marriage. I forgive myself for not being able to trust my husband as well as I should have. I forgive myself for becoming bitter towards him and our situation. I forgive myself for asking for time... which Kyle took as a complete separation, and in turn, one week later, him giving up on our marriage. I forgive myself for not loving unconditionally as well as I should have. I forgive myself for feeling like my husband didn't want to talk to me about anything deep, or difficult, and in turn made me feel like he didn't trust or love me. I forgive Kyle for a lot of things, and I am also working on continually forgiving him for things... But that will have to be a whole different post.

Through all these dark and depressing feelings... I also have more faith, more hope, and have experienced more growth than I ever have in my entire existence. I think that it is these thoughts that get me out of bed on the days when I feel I just can't do it. It is these feelings that keep me happy in a somewhat unhappy moment. It is the calm reassurance that I know that I am not going through this alone.... and that my Heavenly Father is helping me... That he hears my desperate prayers.. and this "shall be but a moment". I am so thankful that I have found a way to learn from this experience, and grow in ways I needed to grow, rather than become bitter and even more depressed than I am feeling now. I'll be forever thankful that I have been able to take this experience and, although, its the hardest thing I have ever experienced, it has provided me with so many moments of personal reflection and personal growth. In the end, we can only change our own selves and our own attitudes

2010-07-30T13:26:00.000-07:00

"Cultivate and attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine." --Gordon B. Hinkley

"Being happy doesnt mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

Random Realizations

2010-07-26T15:51:00.000-07:00

So here are just some random things I have "realized" lately.... Me being the realist I am..... Or wait, am I an "idealist? I can't remember.....

a.) Just when you think things couldn't possibly get worse...... they most definitely can!

b.) That common saying... "When it rains it pours" comes to fruition.

c.) I will forever be amazed by the many loving comments and support I receive from everyone. It means more to me then I could ever explain.

d.) I never once thought simple things like fireworks could make me feel a painful loneliness.

e.) Every time I log onto facebook it taunts me by asking me if I want to be friends with Kyle(a.k.a Husband) Um No thanks facebook.... He doesn't want me for a wife.... I doubt he wants me for a friend. But thanks for helping me realize he started a completely new facebook with no sign of me..... I am completely deleted out of his cyber world.... Sweet!

f.) I realized I could care less about the little fender bender I got into this weekend, or the little dent I am going to have to have fix. But I do care about my little brother. As I was sitting there sobbing more so in just complete self pity that yet again here is something I was going to have to do alone. Nathan says, "Tana you can have my check from the paper route this month" He makes $250.00 dollars a month! I think he loves me! But no, I will not be accepting his offer.

g.) It has been made known to me that I have mastered the art of "crying pretty". Not something I am extremely proud of, but yet a blessing none the less. My little sister says, "You don't even look bad when you cry, your nose doesn't run and it doesn't get stuffy!" I replied by saying, " Well I have had a lot of practice lately" So if anyone is looking for a pretty crying person for a movie, or if you simply want to watch for your own entertainment, give me a ring!

h.) I realize that you never run out of tears..... Oh how I wish you did... I am pretty sick of crying.. but then again sometimes it is simply cathartic. When you are having a pretty bad day, just try a moment of complete sobbing.... After you'll realize you feel so much better once you've stopped. Aside from those massive headaches and the muscle cramps from depleting my body of all it's electrolytes through my TEAR DUCTS!!!!!

i.) Having a puppy is a lot more work than I thought. He is so adorable and I love him to death. But not so much when he pees on me, or my carpet, or bites my fingers. I may have been delirious to think he would help me with my loneliness...

j.) An awesome 14 mile run/adventure with my little sister Mishaelle was just what I needed. It was a beautiful little jaunt on the farm roads in Aurora. It actually was a little chilly and it was so enjoyable! Such a far cry from a run here in this heat in Saint George.

k.) I may have to admit myself to the psych ward soon..... I am going crazy.....

l.) I am hoping the anticipation of receiving the divorce papers Kyle has been talking about for the last 5 months is worse than the actual event.... although I am still anticipating so.....

m.) On Friday I sent a text to Kyle asking him if he ever wanted to see me again.... still waiting for a reply.... I suppose that means no??? Is that a realization? Or just completely depressing???? I can't decide?.

n.) I realized I have been fighting for someone that I loved 5 months ago.. I'm fighting for a relationship we once had.... Now I am talking to what feels like a complete stranger, being he abandoned me for the last 6 weeks, and has barely even had any contact with me in the last 6 months... It's a terrible realization when you notice that you are longing for a person you may not even know anymore, and you feel like your husband is a mere person in your past that you encountered at one point. How does it go from spending the rest of your life with someone to the realization that, that person doesn't even feel like a friend or someone you could call if you desperately needed something?

o.) I realized after sitting in the Celestial room at the temple that I just needed to call Kyle and tell him I loved him..... I got nothing in return.... I realized the pain of loving someone who no longer loves or cares about me....

p.) I just realized I could probably make it through the entire alphabet and have more realizations to tell my small blogging community... But I won't because that would be boring.

q.) After having the letter that Kyle left me to end my marriage pinned to my fridge for over a month to remind me this was really happening and not just a terrible nightmare..... I realized that if your husband is able to leave you a one page letter ending your marriage, left for you to find when you get off work at 9:00 at night and you are all alone in your dark house..... Maybe, just maybe you were wrong when you thought the man you committed to spending your eternity with loved you more than any other man could! When not once in that one page letter was the word "love" written.......

r.) I miss "our" old blog..... The blog I planned on using to journal our marriage, our life, and talking about "our" adventures but instead I am stuck trying to write my feelings because it helps me feel some relief...... Truth is my heart hurts.....

s.) "Some of life's greatest blessings come in packages marked "disaster" I will hold onto the faith in this statement. And that I have so much to look forward to in this life!

Walking Through Wednesday....

2010-07-21T14:33:00.000-07:00

Its Wednesday! I'm torn about my feelings on Wednesdays. It is one of my more common days off, which is fun, and relaxing and I am able to catch up on a lot of things I put off until my day off. But then sometimes, most times, Wednesdays are a little depressing. I'm alone most of the day so I find myself inside my own head WAY too much. So I try and keep myself occupied doing productive things and trying to think about anything besides my own life and my own feelings.

But also Wednesday is the middle of the week. I usually hit a slump in the middle of the week... I start out so good on Sundays! I go to church, I talk to really nice people. People that I am convinced only talk to me because I am the ward project, but I still find a way to feel good about those people. I listen to the talks and feel the Bishop's love and concern as he smiles at me from the stand. Because he knows me..... He knows how hard it was for me to come to this ward on this day.... So he smiles.... and it makes me want to cry.... but I try hard not to because I'm being strong and accepting the situation I am in right now. Then the speaker proclaims how appreciative he is for his wife and all she does and the example she is to him, and how he wants to be better for her, and his wife just happens to be sitting next to me... So I see him(the husband) looking at her and telling her all these wonderful things.... Then I'm a tiny bit sad..... But then I think to myself... Someday someone will appreciate me.... someone will realize how much I do for them even though I'm not a perfect wife, and someone will want to be better for me... And I have a surprisingly positive outlook on things. Then the Bishop makes it a point to make time for me and sit down and talk to me. We talk about things and I can feel his love and my Heavenly Father's love and I leave church feeling good about the week. And all those positive fuzzy feelings stay with me until sometime on this Wednesday when I start to feel a little sad.......

Because of Wednesday being the middle of the week, I am going to designate Wednesdays to finding Joy in my Journey at this moment. Because through these hard times I have SO SO much to be thankful for, and believe me I do realize this! So here are some Joys in my Journey:

My faith that things will work out if I keep exercising faith and having hope.

My Heavenly Father

My strengthened Testimony

The Gospel, Scriptures, and the Bishop

My family

My Grandma for saying this short phrase when she found out about my situation, "I support you, I love you, and I will put your name on the prayer roll!" Thanks for this joy!

My friends

My job, and my ability to take care and support myself, and the joy it brings to help others

My ability to see the happiness and the positive things

The joy I find in seeing so many things I can do to improve as a person/wife/friend.

That's probably enough for this Wednesday, although I could go on and on! I'll save some for next week. I feel better already! And Just so this post isn't so boring without a picture, here is another picture of beautiful Lake Powell... Where I will be visiting soon!

After A While.....

2010-07-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and sharing a life.

And you learn that love doesn't mean possession and company doesn't mean security and loneliness is universal.

And you learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your hope on today as the future has a way of falling apart mid-flight, because tomorrow's ground can be too uncertain for plans; yet each step taken in a new direction creates a path toward the promise of a brighter dawn.

And you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much.

And you learn to plant your own garden and nourish your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that true love always has joys and sorrows.

And you learn that through it all you really can endure, that you really are strong, that you really have value. With every goodbye you learn.

-Anonymous

A Variation of Mourning

2010-07-15T09:04:00.000-07:00

I can't help but regress and think about this same time a year ago... or we could take it even a little further back and think about my anticipation and excitement leading up to the day I would be sealed for eternity.... No, this isn't my anniversary. I barely made it through that day standing up. But it is a day of regression and feelings of helplessness and depression. I know dark and deep right? But I have decided writing down my feelings helps me cope and move, even if it is sometimes just an inch forward. A year or so ago, I was just returning from my honeymoon, anticipating the life I would spend with my eternal partner. A year ago I knew we would go through some trials, but a year ago my husband promised me he would go through them with me. That he would be my partner, that he would love and cherish me, that he would be the priesthood holder in our family, that he would take care of me, that we would help each other become better people. And in return I would be his partner, I would love him, respect him, we would trust each other, forgive each other, and progress as an eternal family. Oh how much time can change! I know now more than ever how real the power of Satan is. He starts with small and simple things and next thing you know you are at your one year anniversary crying alone on your bed as your husband tells you, or we could say texts you, he doesn't want to take you to dinner because he is afraid it will send mixed signals. Meaning, that it would give me false hope that he might want to work on our marriage.

I feel that going through the separation/divorce process can be likened to mourning the death of a loved one. I often think it can be a somewhat harder mourning process than that of death due to a number of reasons. For one, the person is still alive but just doesn't want to be with you. Second, you mourn the loss of the individual, the loss of the relationship, the loss of an eternal family unit, the broken covenants, the loss of companionship, the loss of hopes and dreams and broken promises. To me there is more hope in the mourning process of death, than there will ever be in the loss of a relationship. In our beliefs as LDS members we believe that death isn't an end all, that if we live righteously we will be united with our loved ones after death. That we will progress in eternal life as we have here in mortality together as an eternal family unit. That gives me hope, if looked at correctly death can be a very hopeful moment. But why can I not find hope in the loss of my eternal partner in this life due to our own selfishness and pride? Could it be that I don't believe we are supposed to be getting divorced? Could it be that I feel like you shouldn't give up on things, especially an eternal marriage? Or that I don't feel like his/our reasons for divorce are justifiable? Is is because I have hope in my husband(can I call him that) as an individual, but he has no faith or hope in me nor our relationship? How can I be comforted when I know we are supposed to work through our differences, which is a feeling that has been reaffirmed multiple times by my Heavenly Father, but yet the outcome is still going to be divorce? How do I find peace and comfort in the fact that Kyle has his own free agency, and regardless of God's will, this will still be our outcome?

So today I will mourn the loss of my partner. It's one of the bad days out of a few of the good ones I have had lately. I have been alone now for 5 months and I have found many things I miss about being married. I miss feeling wanted. I miss his love. I miss being his partner, and best friend. I miss feeling like I was the most beautiful woman in the world. I miss his respect. I miss the priesthood in my home. I miss going to church with him. I miss his hugs. I miss him holding my hand, I miss wearing my wedding ring, I miss the way my family loved him and the way he loved them. I miss the man my little brother looked up to and admired. I miss him making me laugh and opening my door everywhere every time, I miss the man he was. But most of all, I miss the hopes and dreams I had for our eternal family. I miss thinking about him as the father to my future children, grandpa to my grandkids, growing grey together and loving each other more than we ever thought we could. Today I mourn........

A LoNgInG.....

2010-06-28T13:16:00.000-07:00

"Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor to measure words but to pour them all out, just as it is, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keeping what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." ~George Eliot

I have a longing for this comfort.... for that kind of a relationship.

Happiness Happens

2010-06-26T10:51:00.000-07:00

Here's to a new start! All of my recent posts have been so deep and somewhat depressing I am sure. So here's to a new start, a new blog, a new direction of progression in this crazy life of mine! What's could be a better post than something totally opposite from what my previous posts have been about and completely opposite of what I am feeling at the moment ? Happiness! What is happiness? How do we find it? Where does it come from? Who creates happiness?

Happiness, as defined in the dictionary is, a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. Hmmm.... Seems a little broad to me? Is there really a way to define happiness? Happiness could be defined in one way by someone, and a completely different way by ME! So I guess my goal here is not to bombard you with my personal definition of happiness but more so, a discussion on creating or finding happiness in a somewhat dreary, discouraging, moment in life. I know all to well that I am not the only one in this life that is having a rough time, nor do I think that this is the last bump in my long road through life. So this post's purpose it to help remind me of those things that make me the most happy and try to focus on those for the moment.

I recently was told that I needed to find my own happiness rather than rely on a certain person to help me be happy..... Which I believe this to be true, but I also think that it is certain people's presence and roles in my life that help me experience this complicated feeling of happiness. Family, and friends, all of whom contribute to my happiness..... for the most part anyways.

I also decided happiness lies in goals, and in the future for me. I have always been a goal oriented person, and it is progressing and accomplishing goals that give me great JOY! So I am determined to keep setting goals, and achieving them. I have so many things left to experience and accomplish in this life. I am SO excited for them all!

We all know that it is through serving others that help us find happiness. So I am going to make it a "goal" to create and find ways to be of service to others. I have been trying to go to the temple at least once a week. I can't think of a better way to be of service to others. Think about the great blessings you are providing to those who have passed on! It gives me the tingles. I hope to be able to come up with other ways to serve others. I am blessed to work in the field I do, where I am able to constantly serve other's on a daily basis. I find joy and happiness in my JOB!

I know I said I wasn't going to be deep with this post.... But unfortunately I think I am a deep person. The only thing I know for sure that will bring happiness is to follow the teachings of the Gospel. It's called the Plan of Happiness for a reason! Even through adversity we are able to find happiness. I do know this. The scriptures tell us there must be opposition in all things, for without it we could not discern the sweet from the bitter. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf stated in a talk once, "In stories, as in life, adversity teaches us things we cannot learn otherwise. Adversity helps to develop a depth of character that comes in no other way. Our loving Heavenly Father has set us in a world filled with challenges and trials so that we, through opposition, can learn wisdom, become stronger, and experience joy." So by learning and enduring our trials, if we will receive the trials well, we will be able to experience a much greater joy and happiness as an end result. It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life’s story will develop.

Here are a few pictures that I think depict this complicated, confusing, feeling of "happiness"

Nothing happier than beautiful flowers!

LAKE POWELL! Enough said!

ST George Marathon 2010 Here I come! Here's to acheiving goals!

Nothing feels happier than a couple still so in love after the span of a lifetime

The happinesss and joy seen between mother and a baby!

Christ and the Atonement
Temples